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As you’ve no doubt noticed, our economy is in a full blown meltdown.  Which can mean only one thing, the end is nigh.  It’ll start with the collapse of our economy.  Pretty soon countries will be going to war over water.  Then the government will “accidentally” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) release a mutant virus that makes everyone’s eyes bleed.  The next thing you know, The Food Network’s Thirty Minutes Meals is hosted by a zombie and every recipe includes a human brain.  Thanks Lehman Brothers, thanks a lot.

That being said, here are some tips on how you can survive the coming apocalypse. 

Don’t Go Back For Loved Ones

Ok, I know it’s harsh but let’s be frank…they ain’t coming back for you.  “But, Qbert,” you say.  “What about my kids?”  Well, they’re kids which means, they’re young.  So really, how attached could you be.  Plus, kids are like Doritios™ - crunch all you want, they’ll make more.

Stock Up On Smokes

Unspent dollars are now worth about as much as those Pepsi Points you’ve been saving.  Watch any prison movie and you’ll see that cigarettes are like currency.  Well, now that the whole world is an inescapable prison, you’ll need some.  You can’t use money, it’s just worthless paper.  And even if you’ve stocked up on gold, how do you make change?  No, you need cigarettes.  Suck it, thetruth.com.

Don’t Forget Contraceptives

Now is not the time for an unwanted pregnancy.  Plus, you're the jerk that didn’t go back for your loved ones, remember?  It would be kind of tacky to start making new loved ones quite so quickly, don’t you think?  Besides, do you know how many cigarettes it takes to put a kid through college in a post-apocalyptic wasteland?  And even if you did bust your butt and send the kids to college, do you know what will happen?  They’ll just come back at Thanksgiving break and blame you and the patriarchy for the plight of the zombies.  After all, who are you to sit in your ivory tower and place your moral judgments on brain eating?  That’s part of zombie culture.  Bigot.

Don’t Be First

Whether it’s entering a tunnel or going down to the basement to check out that weird noise, don’t ever, ever be first.  That way lies death.  Always. 

Learn To Fix Something

You know that mechanic you make fun of?  The one who didn’t even get his GED?  Congrats.  You’re now his bitch.  Sure, you might know difference between Chaucer and Milton but he knows the difference between a catalytic convertor and a flux-capacitor.  (Hint: One is fictional.)  So either learn to fix something or hope this guy wants some of the cigarettes you horded.

Don’t Trust Anyone In A Uniform

When the military finally shows up to restore power they will undoubtedly want everyone inside of a chain link fence for their own safety.  Hooray!  You’ve just volunteered for a slave camp.  Look, it’s the government that let the banks collapse; it’s the government that then nationalized the banking community for pennies on the dollar; it’s the government that released the virus that turned everyone into zombies.  Don’t go inside their chain link fences.  Sheesh!  Don’t you ever learn?

So there you have it.  Just some tips from Toasted Rav on how to make it through these hard times.  Just things to keep in mind.  We want everyone to have a safe and fun apocalypse.  So let’s all play nice, ok? Don't worry, pretty soon we’ll begin to establish a rudimentary agrarian culture.  We’ll have new, fancy thatch huts to live in and feudal lords to answer to.  And we’ll all look back with sepia tone nostalgia on the Armageddon of our youth in much the same way our grandparents reflect on The Great Depression. 

Oh, and you might want to print this out.  The internet will be down until 2087.