One word can describe how I felt after the second presidential candidate debate this past week: bored. It was the same old, same old from both of our guys, and it kinda made me long for an out-of-nowhere third candidate in the running. That's where I enter the picture.

Why not? Couldn't I do an adequate job of controlling the United States, despite my lack of political knowledge? It's certainly been done before. Just to prove to you how right I am, I've prepared a compilation of the changes that I propose to make once I get elected.

• Male speedos would be forever banned from public beaches.
• Every office in corporate America will come equipped with an unlimited supply of Starbucks and popsicles.
• All major sports events, especially March Madness, will be declared national holidays. No work allowed.
• A college education and health care would be free, if only to stop all the guys in D.C. from arguing so much.
• Gas would have a cap of $1.99 per gallon, no matter what.
• Every time you entered a movie theater, church, meeting, library or airplane, your cell phone would automatically be put on silent.
• Half birthdays would be official, resulting in birthday presents twice a year.
• People over the age of 70 would have to pass a driving test every six months, including a test about when to turn off their blinkers.
• Macaroni and cheese would be the official food of our country.
• Everyone would get a summer and winter vacation.
• Stores and restaurants would only be able to make a 100% profit by selling a good or service, rather than the 500% that some are currently gouging Americans with.
• Everyone would have a genie in a bottle.
• Britney Spears would be locked up for good. While we're at it, why not throw Paris Hilton behind bars too.
• Every written word would be automatically spell-checked.
• The Arch would be declared the eighth wonder of the world.
• It would be physically impossible for sleazy guys in bars to write their number on the back of a bar napkin.
• Bars wouldn't be allowed to have cover charges.
• Bands and musicians would be restricted to holding only one "farewell tour."
• Stop signs would be 8 ft. x 8 ft. It's hard to run one if it's as big as your car, so no excuses for flying by one.
• Twinkies would be banned from grade school and replaced with carrot sticks.

I'll think more about the logistics later, but let me know if you have any other bills that you'd like me to run by Congress once I'm elected. Vote AudreyH for president!