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Did you watch the ESPYs last night?  You didn't?!  Of course you didn't.  Why would you watch another stupid self-congratulatory show full of celebrities and athletes? Espeically one that involves Chris "I suck but I somehow keep my job" Berman?  Well I reluctantly watched it.  Why? Because I love my readers and lets face it, everyone there is pretty hot. 

Oh...I can't lie to you. I didn't watch all of the ESPYs last night, but I didn't need to. The Do's and Don'ts are pretty easy to pick out here.  Lets run through a few together shall we?

Do: Visualize me in the middle of this picture of my girls Kristen Bell and Sophia Bush.  I think if we all focus really hard together we might make it happen.  Since we only use 10% of our brain, maybe that other 90% somehow involves a collective power to turn back time and get me an ESPY invite...with a body like mine, the rest will take care of itself!

Don't: Let Justin Timberlake bring his old friends from NSync to the show.  They are looking a little old for the boy band schtick...

Do: Make sure to watch your trophies at the ESPYs if you get one.  Aaron Rodgers won an ESPY (probably for something about being a good sport) and put it down to go take a leak.  When he came back, Brett Farve was telling people it was his. 

Don't: Forget to comb your hair...Steve Nash.

Do: Make sure Samuel L. Jackson is there.  You're not anything until Sam Jackson shows up!  He's everywhere!  ...keep him away from any Diamondbacks players though...I hear he's sick of snakes.

...and finally...

Don't: ...worry about me.  I know I won't get in the middle of that picture.  But the important thing is that some little androgynous Disney punk gets to do it instead of...aw son of a....

...I can fix this.  There you go:

Do: Vote for this post and leave a comment about how awesome I am.