Welcome to 2009! Why not start off the year with a delicious steaming hunk of Toast? Here's what happened in Hollywood this week:

Tube Talk

As part of her annual plan to lose fifty pounds then gain sixty, Oprah launched Best Life Week...a chunk a programs chock full of weight loss advice from Ms. Winfrey herself. Isn't that like taking hair growth advice from Mr. Clean?

Ann Coulter whined like a toddler after the Today Show bumped her for Tony Blair. Though Matt Lauer invited her back, 'twas sour grapes all around as the interview crawled on at a snail's pace.

Rumors are flying that Nicole Ritchie may join the cast of Gossip Girl in an upcoming episode. Her reps deny it, but they also deny she weighs as much as a paperclip, so you know.

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Britney Spears has a new single that's pissing off a whole herd of parents thanks to a cleverly worded hook...props to Brit for the wordsmithery on this one.

If Fergie gets her way, ain't nobody gon' see her wedding to Josh Duhamel this weekend. The two are taking unheard of precautions to ensure it's a private ceremony. Still haven't received my invite yet, but I'll let you know.

Brad Pitt told W magazine that he's proud of the way the breakup between him and Jen went, saying it was respectful. He also said he's happy to live in a magical world where the floors are made of marshmallow and the walls smell of bubblegum.

Reel World

Bride Wars hits theaters, adding fuel to the fire for thousands of Bridezillas nationwide. Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson star in this chick flick so hey guys, at least you'll have some eye candy.

Clint Eastwood gives us Gran Torino, a film about a racist Korean War veteran trying to clean up the Detriot suburbs. Sounds delightful!

The Unborn brings a rehashed version of The Exorcist your way, this time with a sibling rivalry twist. Sound weird?...looks weird.

That, and a pantload more, awaits you. Click [tab:trav_video] to get started.

...great...so Fergie knows about what I do on the 1st Wednesday night of each month. Whatever.  I know where her secret is! 

She looks just like Janice from the Muppets' "Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem"!

But snot isn't the only celebrity waste that's in hot demand these days. Also on eBay, a seller is attempting to take home at least $500 for Russell Crowe's chewed chewing gum.

"Want to clone Russell Crowe? Well, here's your chance to recover his DNA!

Russell Crowe wrapped this piece of his chewed gum in its foil and deposited it over the bar at the Dresden Cafe in Los Feliz, California, where I was working in the scene and recovered it, just before a take during the shooting of the movie State Of Play on 2/11/08. It's in a small plastic box sealed with scotch tape."

Geez - let me just pull my portable DNA kit out of my pocket and we can begin the cloning process. Other than their actual bodily waste, celebrity trash is also a big seller online. Paris Hilton's dog food can, Lindsay Lohan's hair from a brush and Bryan Adams' socks have also been bought and sold online. What's next? Suri Cruise's dirty diaper for $10,000?

If you were to buy a piece of celebrity trash (assuming you were a little creepy and had money to waste on pointless items), what would you place your bid on?

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Britney Spears owned 2008, ain't no doubt on that one. The year started with Brit wigging out and getting hauled to the place where they keep psychopaths. The crazy lady escaped however, and managed to transform herself just in in time to cut a number one album and make a boatload of cash.

Madonna found a few creative ways to stay in the headlines this year as well. Between a costly divorce with Guy Ritchie, her courtship of Yankee All-Star A-Rod, and a little Kabbalah-laced insanity, the material girl had a year to remember, despite her attempts to forget it.

Janistolie (it's my word for Jen Aniston and Angelina Jolie,) got themselves in a scuffle over mustache-weilding stud muffin Brad Pitt. The two traded a few nasty verbal assaults in the media and managed to sell a metric buttload of magazines in the process.

Reel World

In what's become an all-too-familiar trend, Heath Ledger died just prior to seeing his film The Dark Knight smash record after record at the box office. Heath's Joker stunned audiences and critics and led to a $530 million payday for the studios.

Ironman, Slumdog Millionaire, and Indiana Jones all continue to pull in respectable numbers as well, but that all pales in comparison to the fact that Mickey Rourke rose from the Hollywood grave to turn in a slam-dunk performance in The Wrestler.

The studios cranked out a few turds as well this year, notably The Love Guru and Leatherheads, which both cost more to make than they took in at the ticket counter.

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The writer's strike continued into 2008, crippling everything in its path, including the Golden Globes and the first half of the season for dozens of shows.

Never fear though...reality television came along to save us all! American Idol fell flatter than ever before, giving us a handful of "stars" (including Missouri native David Cook,) that have yet to give us anything memorable. Other shows pulling in big numbers include Dancing with the Stars, House, and CSI.

Then the Primetime Emmys came along and HBO told the rest of the networks to go make Daddy a sandwich while smiling producers collected 26 statues, thanks in large part to the John Adams miniseries.

That's only the tip of the iceberg, however. Click [tab:trav_video] for the entire year in review Toast-style. Muchas gracias burrito for tuning in this year! BTW, we love fan mail!

Every once in a while, we get someone writing in that really makes all the hard work we do worthwhile. Take, for example, this young fella who caught this episode of The Toast on our YouTube channel and felt compelled to write to eloquently disagree with us over a few "facts" regarding the woman (Britney Spears) he's wasted his life obsessing over. While this unfortunate soul may be misguided, we figured the appropriate thing to do would be to respond to him with kindness and utterly confuse him/her in the process.

Him

Us

Him

Us

Him

Us

Him

Us

That's pretty much where it ended...always nice to hear from a fan!

Last night Barkley went all crazy and geeked it up Steve Urkel (I would have said Jaleel White, but would you really have know who that was without an IMDB search?) and then got behind the wheel. This morning Sir Charles was busted by le'cops under suspicion of DUI. Courtesy of celeb watcher Nik Ritchie at TheDirty.com, I present to you, dear internets, what may sadly be the final Hollywood B-List mug shot of 2008:

Ah, so many mug shot memories from 2008 - we will miss them, but I have faith that they will be back and better than ever in '09. Just in case you are interested in knowing what partying with everyone's favorite nerd and a long lost NBA star is like, here are their bar reciepts from the evening:

Lesson? Dropping a couple g's on firewater before driving earns you little more than the rights to a sweaty mug shot. Basketball skills or no, drinking and driving is bad... mmmkay.

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Madonna may be cheating on A-Rod with Jesus, and Guy Ritchie doesn't care because he has a hot new girlfriend. Sound like a soap opera? It sort of is, only it sucks more.

Some pervert tried to buy Scarlett Johansson's snotty tissue on EBay, but I was outbid. The attractive but odd actress unloaded some mucus during a Tonight Show episode and forked over the Kleenex to Jay to sell to charity.

Also, Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame got a buzz and Paris Hilton claims someone stole a few million bucks in jewelry from her...sorry Paris, but that electric bill doesn't pay itself.

Tube Talk

A bunch of shows we watched in 2008 are already headed to sitcom heaven (or hell, in this case.) The Hollywood Reporter just released a list of shows the studios are pulling the plug on come 2009. We have the rundown for you.

Not to be phased by a whole handful of failed programs, FOX has
ordered a script for a comedy/drama about four female werewolves who live in New York...I wish I was kidding.

To celebrate the fact that the Greg Behrendt show exists and nobody knows about it, SoapNet is offering women a "virtual boyfriend" that does all the things they wish a real boyfriend would do...like pee with the door closed.

Reel World

Tom Cruise stars in Valkyrie, a film about the failed attempt to bring down Adolf Hitler and his regime. Good times from the most insane man on the planet!

Marley and Me hits theaters, ensuring women and kids have something to cry about for years to come. This one's based on a best-selling novel, so Owen Wilson and Jen Aniston have their work cut out for them.

There's a whole lotta awards buzz surrounding Brad Pitt's new film, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It's the story of a man who ages backwards, which still doesn't explain that lame mustache Brad's been sporting lately.

That, and a metric pantload more awaits you, so click [tab:trav_video] to get started.

1. When she looks down at that stretched out barbed wire tattoo if she still thinks that was a good idea?
2. Did she think that all the black eye makeup wasn't dark enough, and that's why she put the white makeup around that?
3. When the plastic in your boobs reach the legal driving age, don't you think you should stop showing them to people?
4. Did you buy this outfit from the "Sexy Crocodile Hunter Collection"?
5. Whats going on with that gnarled claw down there on your left hip?  Did that used to be your hand?  Was that the same hand you had on Baywatch?  ...I think I would have remembered that.
6. Was this whole get-up part of an elaborate scheme to scare the herpes away?

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Madonna's so excited about handing 75 million over to guy Ritchie that she took a fall at a concert in Rio...have a look at our theory on what caused the slip.

Britney Spears (yes, I'm as tired of talking about her as you are of hearing about her,) appeared on Ellen this week for an attempt at bringing Christmas cheer to everyone. Then she played her new album and sixteen people killed themseles by the second song.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are hammering out a prenup after Brad realized it might cost a few bucks to put their 27 kids through college. Angelina's pissed over the deal and, if Angie ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Reel World

The Tale of Despereaux hits theaters just in time for the holidays. If you like animated movies about mice with giant ears (who doesn't?,) then get your tickets now. Here's QBert's review.

Jim Carrey tries to redeem himself with Yes Man, but he may have just dug the hole deeper. Critics aren't warming up to this flick about a man who vows to say "yes" to everything that flies his way.

Seven Pounds comes along just in time to make the Best of '08 list. Will Smith comes through with a bang-up performance as Ben Thomas, a man out to redeem himself for what's been a troubled life. Guys, there's a love scene with Rosario Dawson...you're welcome.

Tube Talk

It's Tom Cruise vs. Matt Lauer, round two! The whack job showed up on the Today Show this week for the second in what's becoming a series of insanely entertaining interviews.

The Insider has quite a few people upset over a story they ran on Columbo actor Peter Faulk's illness...so much for that stellar reputation, Insider.

Ryan Seacrest debuted Momma's Boys to a crowd of whoever was in his living room at the time. Knowing Seacrest is incable of original thought, he's headed to court for stealing the show idea.

That and more awaits, so click [tab:trav_video] to get started.

Dave made it apparent that she is becoming as overplayed as an ugly Christmas sweater party.  You can see the clip of her appearance on Letterman last night by clicking on [tab:video]. I am starting to really feel bad for her, not because she made a frillion dollars by starring in The Daily Cute: The Movie (that's Oscar material right there), but because this whole "Wah Brad" stuff is starting to get a little awkward yet somehow has been in print a million times in every language.

I have to admit I am a little concerned about what might possibly be under that scarf, but when you are as rich as Jacko I guess you don't have to argue with anyone if you want to wear a Halloween costume in December.  I would like to think at least one person in his entourage would be kind enough to at least give him a hand mirror, but sadly I may be mistaken.

Tube Talk

Paula Abdul said some pretty outrageous stuff about American Idol and that suicidal fan during an interview with Barbara Walters (I know! Didn't see that coming did ya?) We have the clips for your enjoyment.

Jay Leno's new deal is the talk of TinselTown, as the other late night hosts (including Jimmy Fallon, God help us,) scramble to secure their place as the people who put on a show while we sleep.

Oprah waddled her way to the camera for a candid confession about her physical appearance...here's a teaser; that Ab Ball isn't working. Check out the clip we have.

Reel World

If, for some reason, you didn't kill yourself after watching Four Christmases, another holiday film, Nothing Like the Holidays, opens this week. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Keanu Reeves just won't die, dangit. Now he's in a sci-fi remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Reviews aren't great on this one, including ours, but who am I to judge?

Slumdog Millionaire just might be the savior we all need. This film about a poor Indian man's sometimes painful journey through life is one of the few good ones out there...and that means a lot coming from The Toast, we're downright cynical! Here's QBert's review.

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God don't you just love that Coldplay tune Viva la Vida?...So does Joe Satriani. That's why he made the song first. Now he's taking Chris Martin and company to court over it, saying they stole his melody. We mashed them together, you decide.

If there's one girl quasi-lesbian singer Katy Perry isn't kissing, it's Lily Allen. The two are in a war of words after Katy made a lil fat joke about Lily...tee-hee.

Michael Jackson's hosting an auction, possibly anticipating paying off another child molesting case. Anyone wanna buy a skin bleaching kit?

That, and gobs more awaits you. Click [tab:trav_video] to get started.

Looks like they slimmed the hips, gave her someone else's knee (they'll probably be wanting that back soon,) implanted a collar bone, and amped up "the girls" a bit.

As the president of the "Jessica Alba Is The Only Reason I Rented Good Luck Chuck" fan club, allow me to give a tip to the fella (yes, I'm pretty sure it's a dude,) doing the airbrushing; cut it out, pal. That's like giving the pope tips on morality or giving Carlos Mencia tips on how to steal jokes...just stop. SkinnyvsCurvy has more Alba airbrush shots, and this site has a nice collection of celeb before/after pics for your gawking enjoyment.

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Dunno if you noticed, but with a new album out, Britney Spears is freaking everywhere lately!...including on an MTV special that we dissect so you don't have to watch the whole thing.

Brad Pitt fired a few shots at the paparazzi this week during an interview on the Today Show. He also talked about why he hasn't yet asked Angie to join him in marital misery.

Jamie Lynne Spears reportedly had lipo while pregant...what a role model for our youth! Also, speaking of buns in the oven, Mary Kate Olsen (the hot one) isn't knocked up after all (Whew! I couldn't afford the child support!)

Tube Talk

Barbara Walters held nothing back in her interview on Oprah this week. The well-seasoned journalist talked all about her feuds with Rosie and Star Jones...we have the highlights.

Lost fans, you can stop sobbing into your Lost pillowcases, there's a teaser from the next season that's making it way around the net, we'll give you a peek.

Reel World

Punisher: War Zone blasts into theaters (get it? "Blast" like, from a gun.) This one's decidedly less hyped than other comic book flicks, possibly for good reason...the critics aren't exactly thrilled with it, including QBert.

Nobel Son looks interesting. Well, Eliza Dushku looks interesting and she's in it. This one's about a dad so full of himself he doesn't really care that thugs have kidnapped his son...ahh childhood memories.

Cadillac Records packs possibly the biggest star-studded cast, including Beyonce and Mos Def. If you ever wanted to know more about the birth of R&B/Soul, this is the one for you. Here's QBert's review.

That, and of course more, is just ahead. Click [tab:trav_video] to watch.