[morelink]

A “Woody Allen-less” Woody Allen movie is always a dicey proposition.  For all of Allen’s many talents, selecting a surrogate is not one.  Be it Kenneth Branagh in Celebrity, Will Ferrell in Melinda and Melinda or Jason Biggs in Anything Else, Woody Allen proxies are typically a dubious prospect.  Allen’s dialogue has a very distinctive rhythm to it.  Much of the humor comes from that rhythm.  Remove the cadence and you remove the punch line.  Invariably his substitutes all end up doing the same thing: impersonating Woody Allen.  So it’s understandable if the idea of Larry David playing a very Allen-esque Boris Yellnikoff gives you a modicum of trepidation.  However, Larry David proves to be perhaps the best surrogate Woody Allen has ever chosen (though I would’ve loved to have seen Mostel).  David has a firmly established on-screen persona all his own.  Allen’s lines work well in David’s voice, though he can come across much harsher than Allen ever has.  Where Allen seems irritated, David seems angry.  The lines work well either way, though Allen aficionados might find the increased venom off-putting. 

Yellnikoff is an unapologetically bitter misanthrope; a genius that doesn’t suffer fools…gladly or otherwise.  He walks with a limp, a constant reminder of a failed suicide attempt.  He’s loud, opinionated and has no concern for the feelings of others.  Not surprisingly, he’s also divorced, unemployed and lives alone.  And he’s quite happy about it.  So he’s less than ecstatic upon finding Melodie St. Ann Celestine (Evan Rachel Wood) on his doorstep.  Melodie is fresh off the bus from Mississippi.  She’s young, pretty, unsophisticated and homeless.  Against his better judgment, he takes her in.  While the arrangement is intended to be temporary, she continues to stay as relationship slowly forms.  Of course, they fall in love (with her being the pursuer not the pursued).  And while it’s easy to make comparisons with Allen’s infamous real life relationship with Soon-Yi Previn, it should be noted that this movie’s inception precedes their coupling by 15 years.

While Allen’s dialogue has never been what one would call naturalistic, here his inclination towards constantly going for “the joke” exacerbates that propensity.  At times you can hear the actors doing verbal acrobatics in order to stick-the-landing of his punch lines.  The characters have a tendency to make incongruent references; forsaking character consistency for the sake of the joke.  Particularly egregious examples come in the form of Melodie’s parents, Marietta (Patricia Clarkson) and John (Ed Begley Jr.), both of whom are presented as under-educated, overly-religious rubes.  However, their vocabulary would belie a somewhat different upbringing.  That being said, the hit-to-miss ratio of the jokes is strong enough to overcome some occasionally stilted phrasing.  And while not all of them score direct hits, enough of them do.

Whatever Works is an interesting curio in Allen’s repertoire.  It’s a good but flawed film; a relic of a bygone era.  Woody Allen began his career as a joke writer and he was one of the best.    Over the years he has reinvented himself as an auteur, but he can still write a great joke when he puts his mind to it.  His early works serve as a testament to his joke writing abilities.  This film is reminiscent of those early works, especially his theatrical work such as Don’t Drink The Water and Play It Again, Sam.  In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if the film was originally conceived for the theater.  It has the feel of a play that’s been adapted for the screen.  Some of the scenes feel (as adapted material often does) like they were placed in certain locations for no other reason than to take the film out of its primary locale (in this case, Yellnikoff’s apartment).  The third act in particular becomes a little stagey. 

The film does have something of a condescending tone.  Allen seems to believe that we could all become leftwing, bohemian intellectuals if only we’d move to New York and cast-off our puritanical, flyover-country, religious beliefs.  A patronizing message to be sure; both to the people that are leftwing, bohemian intellectuals that live in flyover-country and to the non-leftwing, bohemian intellectuals living in flyover-country that are perfectly happy being that way.  But let’s face it; if you’re at a Woody Allen film, chances are, you already know what he thinks of you.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Annie Hall and 1 being Scenes from a Mall, Whatever Works gets a 7.

Star Gazing

Don't tell anyone...but we at The Toast have this odd feeling that Michael Jackson may be dead...weird isn't it? As the media continues to cover every unnecessary angle of MJ's death, Joe Jackson continues to pimp his new record label every time someone asks him to comment on the passing of his son. Let's hear it for the sanctity of family!

Lindsay Lohan told OK Magazine she's the hardest working person she knows...which is strange, because I could've sworn she knew the 800-pound guy down the street from me who can't leave the house because he's larger than the door frame...guess I'm wrong.

Tube Talk

Just when you thought you'd be getting a break from Jon and Kate Gosselin, the two made news again by announcing to the press that they'd no longer be talking to the press. This stopped absolutely nobody from reporting on the couple, including the New York Daily News; the paper's saying Jon's alleged mistress will make an appearance on the program when it returns to the airwaves in August.

Kendra Wilkinson's show continues to pimp slap the competition, as buzz surrounding her recent wedding gave E! a noticeable ratings boost. The ceremony went down at the Playboy Mansion and Kendra became Mrs. Baskett after a few shots at correctly saying her vows.

Reel World

Johnny Depp and Christian Bale make their way back to the big screen in Public Enemies, a flick about Prohibition-Era mobsters and the agents assigned to take them out of commission. Christian was nice enough to sit down with The Toast to tell us all about making the film...enjoy this one and check out QBert's review here.

Hoping to squeeze the last breath out of a dying series, Fox drops
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. According to Roger QBert's review, this one doesn't exactly fill the shoes of its forefathers, but we all know it'll make a boatload of cash because the kids control the wallet...stupid kids.

That, and plenty more, is ahead. Please rewind when you're finished watching.

From July 1-15 Play Ball 2009: A Visual Retrospective of Baseball will be at the downtown Crowne Plaza Hotel.  This exhibit is, in the simplest description, art for charities.  Live paintings, shows, and auctions will all be hosted over several days to raise money for charities such as the ALS Association, the Cal Ripken Sr. Foundation, Boys and Girls Clubs of America, the Garth Brooks Teammates for Kids Foundation and the Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure.

The entire event is based around the artist Malcolm Farley. He has been called “America’s Artist” and has a love for painting “America’s game.” He is the perfect artist for the baseball crazy city of St. Louis and the baseball-frenzied atmosphere that will be taking over with the arrival of the All Star game. [morelink]

The Play Ball exhibit will be open to the public from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. daily with extended hours during All Star week. 50 pieces created by Farley will grace the elegant lobby of the Crowne Plaza for public viewing. The public will also be able to purchase pieces from his collection, "America's Game".

Farely has a talent for “live,” in the moment painting. He was painted 6 Super Bowls from the sidelines, live onstage at the Grammies and at the Democratic National Convention as Barack Obama accepted his nomination. Farley will be putting this talent on display for St. Louis with live painting events during the Play Ball exhibit’s stay. Each evening Farley will be painting live on stage at 6:00 p.m. in Crowne Plaza’s Atrium Lounge. The finished piece will then be auctioned at 9:00 p.m. with proceeds benefiting that day’s charity. In addition, St. Louis greats such as Lou Brock, Bob Gibson and Ozzie Smith will be on hand to sign their "special piece" when Farley paints them.

Farley is known as a philanthropist and has raised over a million dollars in order to “give back to a world” that has given him “so much”

"I am very excited about PlayBall 2009 and the opportunity to support national and local charities,” Farley said.

Check out Play Ball's event calendar to choose a time to stop by and enjoy the exhibit.

Image courtesy of Malcolm Farley's website.

This year the main stage’s big draws are two big bands and one small duo.  The Counting Crows will start the weekend and play July 3 at 8:00 p.m. The band is known for such hits at “Mrs. Jones” and “Actually in Love”. On July 4 the afternoon will start with a performance by Nat and Alex Wolff, two young entertainers best known for their hit Nickelodeon series The Naked Brothers Band. July Fourth’s music performances will be brought to a close by Train who will take to the stage at 8:00 p.m. Train is a rock band that has sold over 4 million albums and is best known for songs such as “Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)” and  “When I Look To The Sky”. Other local artists such as Magnolia Summer, The Feed, The Incurables, Green River Ordinance, and Jon Hardy and the Public will be occupying the stage between the main acts. [morelink]

One of the best things about Fair St. Louis is always the perpetual smell of delicious food coming from the grounds. You will have plenty to choose from; pulled pork sandwiches, philly cheesesteaks, pad thai, turkey legs, kabobs and gyros are always crowd favorites. If you choose to wash your food down with a cold beverage, know that quenching your thirst is for a good cause. The beverage booths are staffed by volunteers and raise funds for local charities. In 2008, the Fair Saint Louis Foundation donated nearly $100,000 to 12 non-profit groups through the Community Vendor Program.

Fair St. Louis will have plenty to offer in kids entertainment as well. The K-Town Kids Zone has its own performance stage and will feature circus, music, drumline and dance performances. There are also planned competitions for kids of all ages to take part in and attractions like an arcade zone, inflatable games and a rock-climbing wall. The best part about the activities is that they are all entirely free.

On Saturday, the 132nd annual Veiled Prophet Parade plans to officially kick off Independence Day and promises to bring huge crowds to the fairgrounds. The annual spectacular winds through downtown St. Louis starting at 10 a.m. and will be lead by the parade's honorary grand marshal, Fredbird. The parade theme, “Everybody Needs A Vacation,” promises some fun floats and over 100 units will stretch the parade to be about five miles long.

Each night will close in an earsplitting and eye-popping display- fireworks. Put on by Gateway Fireworks Display, Fair St. Louis’s fireworks shows have, in the past, been ranked in the top ten for Fourth of July Fireworks displays in the United States. This year Gateway Fireworks Display promises the same quality.

Though Fair St. Louis is always an excellent event, a few flaws are ever present in its organization. Here are a few tips to avoid hassle. You are getting a free day at the fair but your car is not. Skip expensive parking altogether by taking the Metrolink into downtown or park in garages typically used for Busch Stadium parking since the Cardinals are out of town. Traffic after the fireworks can be a nightmare. Either leave early and watch the fireworks from your car (preferably not while driving as to avoid accidents) or just stick around downtown and grab some food while you wait for the traffic to clear out. If you want to see a performance on the main stage, get there on time so there is still space for you to garb a seat on the stairs in front of the Arch, a perfect seat to hear the music and a perfect view for the show. Also, no pets are allowed on fair grounds, no matter how much you love Fido, make sure to leave him at home.

With so much happening at Fair St. Louis this year there is no way toastedrav can preview everything, so head to celebratestlouis.org to find out all the details.

Image courtesy of Celebrate St. Louis

This is the motto of the newly opened Citygarden.  In April of 2008 construction on the garden began. Yesterday, June 30, 2009, after 14 months of work, Citygarden was opened. St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay had the honor of cutting the ribbon and signaling the garden’s control room to turn on of all three of the garden’s fountains. 

“This new garden is immediately taking its place among the great cultural attractions of St. Louis for residents and visitors alike,” Slay said. “It’s dazzling, and its complete openness in the heart of downtown makes it unique in the country.” [gallery5][morelink]

The new garden is immediately taking its place with St. Louis citizens as well. The park was the center of downtown activity today.  Businessmen sat in its shadows during their lunch breaks, children ran through the fountains and local food vendors even had small stands set up to dispense treats to visitors. 

Citygarden sits in a two block space owned by the city between Market and Chestnut and 8th and 10th Streets.  The arch sits in view to the East and Union station lies directly West.  Busch Stadium is a short walk to the Southeast. City officials hope the garden will help bring more people into the heart of downtown.

Citygarden is a project of the City of St. Louis that is funded by the non-profit organization, Gateway Foundation. The foundation paid an estimated $25-$30 million, covering design and construction and front-end “soft costs” such as financing and anticipated expenses for security and insurance. In the future, Gateway Foundation will pay for all costs of Citygarden except water and electricity. Though the foundation is the huge financial backing for the park, the City of St. Louis still owns Citygarden.

And St. Louis city should be proud to own the space. Three fountains combine with sculptures and lush plant life to create an unique atmosphere for the area. Each sculpture throughout the park is by a different artist and many are quite unusual and abstract. Visitors can take a guided audio tour of Citygarden to learn more about each sculpture and each artist. The audio tours are hosted by the voices of famous St. Louisans including Ozzie Smith, Jenna Fischer and Joe Buck.

The only way to truly understand St. Louis's new Citygarden is to take a walk through it for yourself, so visit the gallery to get a preview and then head downtown for an afternoon in the city.

[morelink]

All of the major players return: Ray Romano as Manny, John Leguizamo as Sid, Denis Leary as Diego and Queen Latifah as Ellie.  However, so much of the spark is gone; perhaps a more fitting subtitle would have been “The Quest for Fire.”  Their line readings are drab and disinterested.  The bulk of Denis Leary’s delivery sounds as if his first time reading the dialogue was as he was recording it.  It’s common knowledge that actors working on animated films don’t record their dialogue at the same time.  They perform their roles separately (often times over the course of years) and only appear to interact via the magic of editing.  It’s not unusual for some actors to have never even met each other until the film’s premier.  But this is the first animated feature I can recall where you can actually tell that technique is being used.

The animation is passable.  It’s not as underwhelming as say, the recent Battle For Terra, but no significant advancements seem to have been made over the prior two films.  There is the addition of 3D (which was the version I saw) however nothing in the film really necessitates its usage.  I quite honestly question whether the film was even originally conceived as a 3D venture. 

Once again, saber tooth squirrel Scrat’s love/hate relationship with acorns is the film’s highlight.  But even his antics are starting to wear thin.  The movie’s major addition to an already overcrowded cast is Buck, a weasel on an Ahab-like quest to exact vengeance on a specific dinosaur.  Voiced by Simon Pegg, Buck brings some much need energy to the proceedings.  

The plot is minimal at best.  The gang discovers that, unbeknownst to them, a land of dinosaurs has been living beneath their world.  They venture into this world in an effort to save Sid, who is lost there.  They go; they find him; they come home.  The end.

Oh yeah, adventures are had, lessons are learned, the credits roll as the cast dances to a forgotten song from the ‘80s, etc., etc., etc.  The movie feels entirely hobbled together from the deleted scenes of previous (and superior) entries in the series.  I promise you, your kids can (and will) concoct a better story with the Ice Age toys in their Happy Meals.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the original Ice Age and 1 being Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs gets 4.

[morelink]

Mann’s take on the story is surprisingly subdued.  Typically films of this nature follow one of two paths: grand crime epic (The Godfather) or rousing tale of scoundrels on the run (Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid).  Public Enemies major flaw is that it attempts to be both with the “epic” portion accounting for the bulk of the film.  Little, if any, effort is made to romanticize the life and times of John Dillinger.  This would be admirable if the film wasn’t so dry.  While Johnny Depp’s performance is restrained but effective, we’re allowed virtually no insight into why he does what he does.  That’s not to say that all criminals need to be shown as victims of society or stark-raving psychopaths.  But we never really see what drives him.  Rage?  Greed?  Boredom?  Even the love story between Dillinger and Billie Frechette (Marion Cotillard) leaves us wondering just why these two were so loyal to each other. 

The performances are strong all around.  Christian Bale plays Melvin Purvis, the officer assigned with catching Dillinger due to his success rounding up the likes of Baby Face Nelson (Stephen Graham) and Pretty Boy Floyd (Channing Tatum).  Purvis chafes under the pressure of J. Edgar Hoover, played by an almost unrecognizable Billy Crudup.  As Purvis and his men feel mounting pressure to apprehend Dillinger, their tactics become increasingly barbaric. 

Just to be clear, this isn’t a bad film. It’s been meticulously researched and lushly photographed.  The performances are strong.  There are flashes of wit throughout and though the film never consistently takes that course it is quite effective when it does.  But when a director of Mann’s caliber is given access to a cast this strong in order to capture such an intriguing true story, we expect something more than a mere chronicling of events, regardless of how beautifully those events are chronicled.  Ultimately, Public Enemies is a good movie that stubbornly, maddeningly refuses to be great. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Bonnie And Clyde and 1 being Johnny Dangerously, Public Enemies gets a 6.

“I was around for the kick-off and development of Chicago Green Drinks and really missed it when I moved back home,” Durlas said.  “I have a professional and personal interest in the environment and wanted to find out what was happening in the green scene in St. Louis. “

Durlas realized St. Louis lacked any organized gatherings for green friendly people, so she asked her friends Huda Zada, a bartender at the Bottleworks, and Carry Fathman, the gardener of the Bottleworks, to help her set up a Green Drinks program like the one she was a part of in Chicago.

Green Drinks is an event held every month for people who work in the environmental field or who are just interested in green ideas to meet up at informal sessions. The lively mixture of people from NGOs, academia, government and business all share ideas and a few drinks at a local bar. [morelink]

“The goal was always to not just inform, but to give participants practical steps they could take away to make their lifestyles or businesses more sustainable,” Durlas said.

St. Louis Green Drinks held its first event on Earth Day in 2005. Durlas had no clue what to expect, however an attendance total of 75 guests gave her a clue that the St. Louis community was receptive to supporting the Green Scene.  Today, St. Louis Green Drinks still brings in a good crowd and a variety of people from the community.  Organizers typically host the monthly event at a St. Louis bar, typically Schlafly Bottleworks, so the atmosphere is kept “super casual” and comfortable.

"St. Louis is a pretty insular place, and it's sometimes tricky to get the mingling off the ground.  But there are enough regulars around to get the conversations going,” Durlas said. “I always remind the shy first-timers that everyone comes to the events to meet likeminded people, so jump right in.”

Originally a panel discussion was always the main part of the meetings, but Durlas came to realize that some of the coolest outcomes came from the organic interaction and conversation before or after the panels. The connections people began to make even led some to new jobs and new businesses.

Current St. Louis Green Drinks organizer Terry Winkelmann was inspired to open her store, Home Eco, after attending the events. Now, according to Durlas, her store is a real “green hub here in town." Another outcome was that Angie Brown started the St. Louis Organic Garden Club.

“I think more than anything, Green Drinks helps people see all the possibilities and gives them confidence to try something new,” Durlas said. “Hearing panelists stories help people realize that if you have an idea, go for it.”

If you would like to attend a St. Louis Green Drinks meeting or event check the schedule at www.stlgreendrinks.org and sign up for the e-mail list.

So here is the situation, it’s a typical St. Louis summer day. This means the temperature and humidity climb to a heat index over 100 degrees, every local pool feels like bath water and you have spent the last three days watching re-runs on T.V.  You are about to go crazy from boredom, and to top it all off you have a group of kids running around the house must be entertained. A nightmare, right? So what do you do?

Answer: Chesterfield Sports Fusion.

“There was a need in Chesterfield for family entertainment, 
 especially indoor activities that could be enjoyed year round,” owner Greg Hoffman said.

Hoffman, along with two high school classmates, opened Chesterfield Sports Fusion March 2009 with this idea. The group wanted to create a place with a fun atmosphere where people of all ages could have a great time. Hoffman also wanted to give his own kids some place besides the mall to hang out at during the nighttime.

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The idea resulted in a warehouse of fun and it is pretty easy to see why kids and even teens would choose Chesterfield Sports Fusion over the mall.  The place has a boatload of activities to choose from; 18 holes of mini golf, the largest laser tag arena in St. Louis and a rock climbing wall are some of the most popular attractions.  There is also a dodge ball court, a “jump shot” basketball game, a 40 game arcade and an inflatable obstacle course named “The Grind.” 

Because of this variety of activity, Chesterfield Sports Fusion stands out from other indoor play places located in Chesterfield Valley like SkyZone, Pump It Up and Bounce-U.

“We are not one
 dimensional and we provide a variety of fun options that can be enjoyed by 
everyone, not just kids under six.  Those facilities are almost exclusively
 for birthday parties and we are open the general public most of the time,” Hoffman said.

Hoffman is also proud to say that Chesterfield Sports Fusion is locally owned and has a “vested interest in providing an 
entertainment venue that is of value to the community” they live in.  Unlike
 the chain places, the owners are actually there and run the business as only 
owners can do. I saw this while I stopped by to snap some photos.  As soon as I walked in the door, I was met by all three owners who were there working and overseeing a day camp.

The one thing to be wary of about Chesterfield Sports Fusion is the pricing.  It is not a one-price-fits-all deal.  Each different element of the place has a different cost.  Guests pay a set amount of cash and then receive a “card” that they swipe at each element. Luckily the card allows parents to set a limit to just how much they want their kids to spend.

For more information visit http://chesterfieldsportsfusion.com. There is a lot going on at Chesterfield Sports Fusion and the easiest way to figure out what might interest you is to just check out their site. Learn about kids camps, pricing deals and party options.

The immediate question is: who would want to watch a movie about a teenager dying from cancer?  But we watch movies about teenagers dying all the time, don’t we?  Friday The 13^th, Halloween, Nightmare On Elm Street…dead teenagers have been de rigueur in Hollywood for over thirty years.  But those deaths are meant to frighten not sadden.  Americans love to scream, not as many love to cry.  So a film like My Sister’s Keeper can be daunting.  Starring Sofia Vassilieva as Kate Fitzgerald, a sixteen –year old cancer victim, My Sister’s Keeper is the chick-flick equivalent of a slasher-film.  Only instead of giving us the unemotional treatment of the deaths of countless teenagers, we are given the hyperemotional treatment of the death of one.  If movies like Saw and Hostel are considered "torture porn" then perhaps this film will start a new wave female targeted "grief porn".

[morelink]

Anna (Abigail Breslin) is Kate’s younger sister.  She started life as a “designer baby” created in a laboratory to be a perfect genetic match for her leukemic sister.  During her eleven years she has provided umbilical cord blood, stem cells and bone marrow all in an attempt save her sister’s life.  Now she is being asked to donate a kidney; an act that would preclude her from living the life of a normal teenage girl.  So Anna hires an attorney she’s seen advertise on television, Campbell Alexander (Alec Baldwin), to sue her parents for medical emancipation.  It’s an act that seems selfish and cruel at first blush…until you see a screaming 5-year old Anna being strapped to table so they can harvest her bone marrow. 

The girls in the film (Breslin and Vassilieva) give remarkably natural and effective performances.  Neither showboats nor allows the material to descend into melodrama, as it easily could have.  Cameron Diaz, as Sara (the mother), gives a surprisingly unsympathetic performance. Having created a child for the sole purpose of spare parts, she’s become more concerned with winning than with living.  It’s a refreshingly unflinching take on a character that most films would portray as a saint.  It would be easy to champion Sara as the unwavering defender of her cancer stricken daughter…because she is.  However, Kate isn’t an only child.  And while her character isn’t exactly vilified by the film, she isn’t canonized either.  As is often the case, situations can engender sympathy even if the people in those situations might not.

Thomas Dekker gives a solid performance as Kate’s chemo-buddy Taylor.  Watching their relationship develop is the strongest element of the film.  Their connection, while joyful, takes on a unique cruelty as we realize that their first loves will probably their last.  It’s a brutal glimpse at all the things they’ll never experience.

The film uses a storytelling device that allows each member of the family to present things from their perspective.  It’s an effective mechanism that allows us to see how cancer changes more than just those that have it.  Unfortunately, as the film progresses, the filmmakers abandon this conceit in favor of a more traditional format. 

My Sister’s Keeper is an unapologetic tear-jerker.  Manipulative?  Sure.  Effective?  You know it. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Terms Of Endearment and 1 being Irreconcilable Differences, My Sister’s Keeper gets a 6.

Tube Talk

Jon and Kate Gosselin have filed for divorce. The Jon and Kate Plus 8 stars have surprised nobody by calling it quits on their marriage and announcing it on an episode of the show that netted 10.6 million viewers. Kate's claws have come out in subsequent interviews and we have the quotes!

Just when you thought you'd cleaned the last of the vomit off you television screen, Heidi and Spencer Pratt returned to bid farewell to the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. The season finale brought back the season's rejects and crowned Lou Diamond Phillips as this year's king.

Star Gazing

Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am exchanged pleasantries in Toronto. Of course, by "pleasantries" we're talking a few jabs to the face that turned Perez into a whiny mess online. The two exchanged insults at the Much Music Awards and Perez left bleeding while a Black Eyed Pea wound up booked for assault.

R&B star Chris Brown learned the value of a good lawyer this week, as the singer walked with the unjustly light sentence of parole and community service for beating the tar out of his former girlfriend Rihanna. Mr. Brown pled guilty to the charges though, which means we're legally able to call him a woman beater!

Reel World

Want an easy way to detect robots disguised as movie-watching humans? Attend a showing of My Sister's Keeper and look around for dry eyes...that's it. The film stars Cameron Diaz as a mother who conceives a daughter hoping to use the child as a donor for her cancer-stricken spawn.

Megan Fox stars in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Roger Qbert didn't like it much, but The Toast thinks it'd make an excellent silent film were the editors to clip all the scenes that don't feature madam Fox...just a thought.

The aforementioned items are a mere fraction of the information that awaits you, so watch the video and pass it around when you're finished.

For those of you unfamiliar, Transformers began life as a Hasbro toy line.  The Transformers are sentient alien robots from the planet Cybertron that can disguise themselves as everyday objects (cars, trucks, helicopters, etc.) and “transform” into robots when needed.  As with any toy line/Saturday morning cartoon show, there are good robots and evil robots.  The plot of the film, what there is of it, has something to do with a bad robot uprising and good robots fighting back with the help of humans Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox).  Because if there’s anything 25-foot tall, sentient robots need, it’s the help of a 19-year old boy and his stripper-in-waiting girlfriend. 

Transformers 2 is a surprisingly sleazy film.  While it’s not as raunchy as Land Of The Lost, the movie possesses a sexuality that you might not expect from a film based on a line of action figures.  Your kids might not be teenagers when they enter the theater, but they will be by the time they leave.  We are treated to not one but two scenes of dogs humping.  And we also get to witness a miniature transformer humping the leg of Mikaela.  When we first see Megan Fox in the film, she’s splayed across a motorcycle in a pair of shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush.  The scene has all the subtlety of a pap smear.  

Director Michael Bay’s camera work throughout the film is nauseating.  His camera constantly moves and swoops, twists and turns, circling its subjects even when the scene doesn’t necessitate the movement.  Tony Scott did this to great effect in The Taking Of Pelham 123, but there the technique was used to inject action into a film that was otherwise lacking it.  If there’s anything a movie about giant robots is lacking, it sure ain’t action.  You would think that the most important part of a movie like Transformers 2 would be watching the robots “transform.”  But Bay focuses his camera so tightly on the robots in question, that it’s virtually impossible for anyone other than the geekiest of fanboys to discern what is actually being seen.  Furthermore, many of the robots are virtually indistinguishable from each other.  Between the poor artistic design, the kinetic camera work and the super tight close-ups, the scenes in which the robots “transform” are more akin to watching a kaleidoscope – pretty, but nonsensical. 

The film attempts to inject some humor into the proceedings.  Most of it comes via an extraordinarily shrill performance from Julie White as Judy Witwicky, Sam’s mother.  She’s reduced to screaming the bulk of her dialog, thanks to the cacophony of robot fights and a soundtrack twice as a loud as it needs to be.  When her character becomes high on pot-brownies while dropping Sam off at college, all one can do is cringe for the actress and hope that some of the film’s no-doubt exorbitant budget found its way into her paycheck. 

The film’s other attempt at humor comes courtesy of two Transformers voiced in such a manner that leads one to surmise that the planet of Cybertron has rich and storied tradition of minstrelsy.  Not since Jar Jar Binks have filmgoers been treated to characters that somehow managed to be paradoxically non-human yet racially offensive.

Transformers 2 is an assault on the senses; a loud, sloppy, prurient mess of a film.  It will most likely induce boredom in the young and queasiness in the old. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Iron Giant and 1 being Heartbeeps, Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen gets a 3.

Pretty much every St. Louis resident knows that Lambert International Airport needs improvements and has been (and probably will always be) undergoing some type of construction. We miss the glory days when TWA made Lambert a huge hub for travel and a pretty efficient place. Currently Lambert is the 30th busiest airport in the country and helps 15 million people get to where they need to be each year.  But people can’t always be the main priority.

That is why Lambert has recently opened two outdoor rest areas for, guess who, canine travelers and workers. The two miniature dog parks have 400 square feet of gated space for pets and service animals to exercise, play and, most importantly, relieve themselves between flights. The designers behind the dog parks thought of the basics of what every pet owner needs; benches, fire hydrants and plastic mitts for the lovely task of cleaning up after your beloved pooch are included in the dog rest areas. [morelink] 

“We know this is an important service and should ease the worry of many of our travelers, especially those who must fly with service animals.” said Lambert Director Richard Hrabko.

The area at the Main Terminal has synthetic turf and is located outside exit MT-6. The East Terminal location has natural grass and is outside baggage claim at exit ET-15. So next time you can’t bear to leave man’s best friend at home, know that Lambert is here to at least help you take them for a walk... helping get your bags to the right destination or have your flight take off on time, that is still yet to be perfected.

Visit the gallery for more views of the new pooch paradise. [gallery5]