Fake Mayor Slay: Go Ahead, Mokwa My Day

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Just once I'd like to see news about a city official retiring without the phrase "amid allegations" attached. Man, this whole Chief-of-Police thing really was a buzzkill for my weekend. But as I was doing my Rosetta Stone program so I could learn to say "how large would you like your tax abatement?" in Belgian... it hit me.

This isn't a setback for the City, it's an opportunity for yours truly! St. Louis already has a history of close ties between the offices of Chief of Police and Mayor (thanks to Clarence Harmon moving up to the Mayor's office after serving the SLMPD).

So, I give you my nominee for Joe Mokwa's replacement: Chief Slay!

I know what you're thinking: How on Earth do you think you're qualified for that job, Slayer? Well, if Harmon could walk across Clark into my office, why can't I stroll over there and start ordering cops around? Besides, let me show you what I know about policing:

• As a rule, avoid giving perks to family members with felony records
• Less murder = Good. More murder = Bad
• Tase first bro, ask questions later
• In an armed stalemate with a desperado, shoot the hostage

See? I've got this thing pretty well nailed down. I know I'd be expected to grow the "cop 'stache," but I think I'd rather go with the Face Mullet. I think goatee says, "sure I'm a cop, but I'm also a leader like Abraham Lincoln" as only a half-beard-half-moustache can.

J.Ray asked how I could ever consider leaving the Mayor's office. Maybe I wasn't clear: I had no intention to quit being Mayor. I picture it kind of like being a player/coach in baseball. Remember, like Pete Rose did? So what is the worse that could happen? Who needs oversight when the same person occupies both offices? The problem solves itself.

I'm all excited. You know chicks dig the uniform. And once I get a set of spinners on the D.A.R.E. mobile, I'm gonna be killin' it from the Grand Water Tower to the "state streets."